Sexuality

As a warning, this is probably more a stream of consciousness than anything else haha. I’d also like to make a little disclaimer here- I sometimes feel a bit selfish or self-involved whilst writing because there’s no conversation between people (apart from when you comment, thank you because I love reading comments!) so I have to use the word ‘I’ a lot which feels self-indulgent. I know this is kind of the point of a blog post haha but just know that I’m aware of it! This is also just a place to ramble, I am incredibly lucky to been safe and happy with a home, friends and family and there are so many larger issues going on. Lastly, I don’t represent everyone in the LGBTQIA community. That said, I would like to use this post to ramble about my sexuality.

Whilst I have always known that I have no interest in guys, I have also always been very aware of the prejudice, stigma and discrimination that can come with being labelled as gay or a lesbian. Whilst actively doing what I can to support LGBT causes, I have been very hesitant to come out as a lesbian. I have, however, now told my Mum and sister. I have social (and maybe general) anxiety which is maybe not always evident by looking at me- I often get told that I look incredibly laid back or relaxed which I always find amusing as I’m running through a million thoughts in my mind. In general, I am a laidback and chilled out person which makes for a very strange contrast to my simultaneously anxious ways. This anxiety is a combination of lots of things, from my introverted personality to losing my Dad as a child, and I feel like sexuality or relationships in general have contributed a lot to it. It can be very stressful discovering who you are when being gay still creates such an emotive response in society; I have accepted who I am and I would have been able to do this and meet people a lot earlier if it hadn’t been for the prejudice that exists (not by everyone, many people are amazing). In general, society assumes that being straight is the norm. This in itself is not necessarily a problem, however, society (generalising) also condemn people who do not ‘come out’ as lying or concealing their sexuality. In order to live a truthful, fulfilling life that may include having a relationship, LGBT people therefore have to come out, resulting in sexuality (I’m focusing more on sexuality than gender in this ramble) becoming a big revelation. This would maybe be okay if people were accepting; many are, however, there are still significant numbers of people who are homophobic. Therefore, if you are gay or bi, you are either ‘lying’ and hiding something, or you are vocal about your sexuality and therefore face prejudice (from some). This is a very, very difficult situation and has definitely contributed to my anxiety. I have spent most of my life single- in part, I have been very happy with this, I enjoy solitude and the freedom that comes with this. However, there are times- particularly when I think about the future (society also make you feel old by 24 hahaha)- that I feel lonely. I have been able to rid (supress) some of my anxiety in the past by ignoring my sexuality, however, if I do this for long enough I have become depressed. We therefore must do something about the world we live in where people experience anxiety for being themselves, or depression that comes from repressing your sexuality. Thank you so much everyone who is already taking steps to do this and support LGBT rights. My Mum and sister have been incredibly kind and supportive and have been upset only by the fact that they have seen how ill I have made myself in worrying about what to say and what people will think. However, I am still incredibly nervous to tell others and potentially experience prejudice or negative assumptions. There are also a number of men who genuinely believe that some more feminine girls lie about their sexuality to attract male attention, or who sexualise lesbian or bi girls (again, I am not referring to all men, I have so much respect for most people).

I don’t know where I’m going with this post but in a way it’s allowing me the chance to think about and vocalise some things that I have maybe suppressed. I think one of the things people are usually curious to know is when somebody ‘decided’ to be gay or realised- if I really took the time to think about my sexuality, I probably could have come out at any age. I have a specific memory of being around 6 and my friend talking about marrying a man and having children. Even then, I replied that I want children but don’t want to be married. The first time a guy kissed me I was in panic attack mode for around two days- this was the type of guy who, if I was straight I would have been attracted to. The fact that I felt nothing/anxiety when he kissed me signalled that I would not be able to lie to myself and I found this extremely stressful. I have never wanted a relationship with a man and have thought about it only in the past as a resolution to being forever alone- there were times when I considered pretending to be straight almost to make life easier. However, ultimately, I knew that I would become ill with anxiety and more importantly I could not lie to another person. I would be negatively affecting someone else’s life if I did this and I could not allow myself to do this. This would be incredibly unfair.

 Now that I feel free to admit that I’m not attracted to guys, I have space to think about my feelings. I have liked guys on a surface level before (because I put lots of effort into making myself hahaha, what a disaster) and I still blush or get nervous if an extremely attractive guy talks to me, however, this is the furthest my attraction goes, I have never wanted to be in a relationship with a guy. Interestingly, guys that I have dated in the past are bi or now have boyfriends- I feel like we both instantly felt safer and more relaxed with each other because we knew we were not straight hahaha (this post is probably quite something for a Fredian psychologist). Ironically, I feel like after I come out to everyone, I will be able to have stronger relationships with males. I’ve never really felt very close to guys, and having no brothers, I wish I had close male friends. However, I have always been concerned that if I am very friendly towards guys I meet that they will take it as flirting or assume I like them (not that they’d necessarily like me back, I don’t want to come across as being very vain because that’s not what I mean at all haha). It has been very stressful thinking of 1000000 reasons to reject guys that have asked me out (again, not saying there have been many) without hurting their feelings or being questioned by my friends (I’m honestly so curious as to what my friends think my sexuality is hahaha, my sister said she kind of thought I liked girls but also kind of thought I’d secretly dated more guys and just hadn’t told her, or just haven’t dated many people because I’m so shy/anxious).

 Because I am so stereotypically feminine, people assume that I am straight- despite a few subtle stereotypes such as being a crazy cat lady, loving Hozier, Lana del ray songs, Orange is the New Black, Killing Eve, doc martens and being vegan- also the subtle hint in that I show absolutely no interest in guys (I’d be intrigued to learn if anyone on here thought/assumed anything of my sexuality, I find it interesting to know). This is in some ways a blessing as I do not encounter negativity ort abuse from strangers who assume that I am gay, however, it also means that I will have to consistently come out throughout my life and experience the reactions that may not necessarily be positive.

Anyway, the point was I’m looking forward to hopefully building closer relationships to guys in the future because we will both know that it is entirely based upon platonic friendship. I think I’ll eventually be more confident and more able to be myself in general- hiding your sexuality wears (wheres?) you down over time. I’ve felt tired whilst socialising and spent a lot of time holding back, feeling secretive, or lying about which guys I find attractive. I am now worried that some girls may jump to the wrong conclusion that I must secretly like them, and this is something I find extremely stressful in the prospect of telling my friends that I like girls. I always try to go for the approach of saying nothing about guys where I can rather than directly lying, but as I mentioned earlier, having to ‘lie’ is not something to be ashamed of- it is unfair of society to condemn people for hiding their sexuality when the world can be homophobic.

I’m also excited to now feel able to think about what I want in the future, where before it was an anxious disaster cycle of deciding whether to be alone forever (which I still might be, who knows hahaha, and ps. It’s completely fine if you want to be), being with guys which I know I would not be able to sustain long term or coming out. I think this time to think is necessary, as contrary to what some people believe, coming out does not mean you have all the answers and you are going to be in a relationship straight away. I now have more questions that before, for example, thinking about how I will have children and the issues/questions that will arise from this. However, the point is I am starting to feel free to think about these things, I am beginning to feel excited about the future and it is starting to have form. I believe that in coming out you are gifting yourself the freedom that most straight people take for granted (again, I am not reflecting on a number of important social justice issues here, I understand that there are significant problems and abuse that can take place in heterosexual relationships, I am simply reflecting upon the absence of issues specifically relating to sexuality). I have a long way to go and a lot more stress and anxiety to work through before reaching the ‘other side’ (this is very cheesy) but I feel freer already.

If you are currently in the place that I have been in, please feel free to talk to me (my Instagram is carlybooksandmusic), I will never reveal anything you say to anybody else. Also, please know that you do not have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Thank you if you’ve read this whole ramble haha, as soon as I post this I will probably be incredibly stressed (good old anxiety hahaha). I hope you’re well 😊 

privilege

guilt

equates to defensive acts

used to mask the privilege

that maintains ignorance.

But guilt

Is counterproductive

If only we’d listen

And question

Meritocratic structures

That allow the guilty

To maintain ignorance

And equate it to equity

And deny that it’s privilege.

It is time to start listening

It is past time to listen

We should feel guilty

But we should use this productively

And affect change

By becoming educated and listening.

bailproject.org

blacklivesmatter.com

change.org/p/mayor-jacob-frey-justice-for-george-floyd

selling art to support black lives matter

In thinking about ways to support the black lives matter movement, I made a wee etsy to sell some things I’ve painted or drawn. 100% of the proceeds from anything I sell will be donated to Black Visions Collective, a charitable organisation that supports this movement. Since I just paint for fun they aren’t the best and might not sell, but I thought it would be a start to helping as much as I can. 🙂 I tend to like to paint on a larger scale but I’m unsure if I’m allowed to send huge canvases so I need to figure that out. The link to etsy is below:

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/CharitableArtByCarly

I find it relaxing to make little line drawings at times, so I’m going to do more of these as a simple easy thing to send to anyone interested.

I love Japanese style art and hope to look at more examples to recreate beautiful Japanese art.

I painted a mini version of The Wave off Kanagawa with a little collage. I enjoy painting this wave due to the abstract quality and I hope to paint more of these.

This has been quite a struggle and is something I need far more practise in so it’s looking a bit messy, but I found some old vinyl records and after picking the ones I want to keep, I’m left with lots to practise painting. Hopefully this will become more fun and less frustrating haha and I’ll keep trying new designs 🙂

I love sunflowers, they are always a go to when I’m painting.

this is a lot simpler than the paintings I like to do and I struggled to stop here, however, I know that lots of people prefer more simplistic or minimalist paintings (and they take less time if I want to make more) so I managed to control myself haha.

I’m always very critical of things I paint so I feel strange about potential selling them, but I feel better in the knowledge that any proceeds (if any crazy people buy anything) would be going towards an excellent cause. I am very aware of my position of privilege as a white person and I would appreciate any feedback on the ways in which I can actively promote anti-racism. I hope you’re all doing well, thank you for reading.

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/CharitableArtByCarly

Weekly books (May 15th to May 21st)

Convenience Store Woman- Sayaka Murata (audiobook, new read)

‘Keiko is 36 years old. She’s never had a boyfriend, and she’s been working in the same supermarket for eighteen years. Keiko’s family wishes she’d get a proper job. Her friends wonder why she won’t get married.
But Keiko knows what makes her happy, and she’s not going to let anyone come between her and her convenience store…’
(convenience Store Woman synopsis)

This is one of those books that I have no idea how I found haha, I just remember reading about it somehow and I listened to the audiobook straight away. I like to read translated books every so often to learn about different environments and cultures. The main character Keiko is by self-definition- or rather by definition of those around her- unusual and does not conform to the norms of societies. The plot covers Keiko’s time working in the store; however, this book is a social commentary on the pressures of society and expectations based on factors including age and gender. Keiko is a very interesting character; she absolutely does her own thing despite a lot of pressure to conform. She is very black and white, literal and at times appears to lack empathy with a preference for logic. The plot itself is not necessarily very interesting but I loved the unusual presence and interesting discussions. I love books that focus on elements of diversity and discrimination of difference, and I think everybody universally has at some point felt pressure to ‘fit into society’ or feel some sort of time constraint. I turned 24 at January and I have to remind myself how young I am because I instantly felt extreme pressure from friends and family (extended family, my close family are amazing), social media and society in general to ‘get my life together’. I am already constantly asked why I’m single or feel in some ways ‘odd’ for enjoying being single, and this pressure definitely comes from the expectations of society. I think it can be difficult (and these are first world problems, I am very privileged compared to some people) not to compare yourself to others, not to think about age and time and ‘what you’re doing with your life’, but it’s important to remember that our life is our own and there are so many people who feel the way we do.

I loved reading about the relationship between Keiko and her sister, it cleverly addresses that way that even those closest to us feel the need to understand us or ‘fix’ things that we are not doing right according to their own value of a meaningful life. This may be explicit as is the case in this book or can be an unconscious desire or pressure that we place on those around us. If we do not think about these expectations, it is likely that we are deciding what makes someone happy and therefore assuming that they must be mistaken if their ideas do not align with our own.

“She’s far happier thinking her sister is normal, even if she has a lot of problems, than she is having an abnormal sister for whom everything is fine.”

Feminism is also a theme throughout this story, addressing negative gender stereotypes; specifically, that men and women should get married and have children, men should have high earning jobs and women should support their husbands as a homeowner. This is not to say that choosing to marry, have children and take on these roles as a couple are in anyway wrong, but it is wrong and shocking that these are still the expectations and often deemed the only ‘acceptable’ way to life your life. Interestingly, a male character in this story acts as though he is countering such stereotypes, however, he is doing this in an attempt to manipulate Keiko into becoming a woman who can ‘serve’ him in a way that he deems to be appropriate. I think this book raises some very interesting points and whilst it is a short book with a basic plot, I will definitely be thinking about the social justice issues in Convenience Store Woman for a long time. This would be such a fun book to analyse in depth, but I think I’d need to spend more time thinking about it to do this. I strongly believe that if an individual has free will to make their own choices and is not hurting anyone, they are doing absolutely nothing wrong. The world is incredibly judgemental, and we spend so much time comparing ourselves that we cannot truly focus on being happy.

I suppose the message to end with is do what you want to do and remember no matter how different you feel, someone else is feeling this way. 😊

Favourite/meaningful quotes:

You eliminate the parts of your life that others find strange–maybe that’s what everyone means when they say they want to ‘cure” me.”

This society hasn’t changed one bit. People who don’t fit into the village are expelled: men who don’t hunt, women who don’t give birth to children. For all we talk about modern society and individualism, anyone who doesn’t try to fit in can expect to be meddled with, coerced, and ultimately banished from the village.”

Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief – Rick Riordan (physical book, new read)

‘Look, I didn’t want to be a half-blood. I never asked to be the son of a Greek God.

I was just a normal kid, going to school, playing basketball, skateboarding. The usual. Until I accidentally vaporized my maths teacher. Now I spend my time battling monsters and generally trying to stay alive. This is the one where Zeus, God of the Sky, thinks I’ve stolen his lightning bolt – and making Zeus angry is a very bad idea.’ (Lightning thief synopsis)

I never read this series as a child so I wasn’t sure how I’d feel reading them now as they are middle grade, but decided to give them ago for the mythology (and I know that those who’ve read the books hate the film so I thought it’d be an injustice to never give the books a try haha). I loved this! I needed something quick and cheerful after Mockingjay and this was really entertaining and funny. The characters reminded me of the golden trio in Harry Potter– in a very positive way, they still felt original, and I loved the nostalgic feeling that only middle grade Harry Potter style books bring. I forgot how much I love reading characters who are slightly younger than the typical 16-year-old YA protagonist, Percy is funny, cheeky and sarcastic and reminded me of how much I love sassy young Harry. I also loved the innocent friendship dynamic between the three characters (although I assume something will happen between Percy and Annabeth at some point). The three are very strong characters, I love Annabeth’s kindness and wisdom that never borders on arrogance. I also loved the depiction of a satyr, Grover’s hippy nature and the environmental elements were one of my favourite parts, I’d love to see more of them throughout the books. Riordan is very good at simple messages such as kindness to animals, acceptance of difference, environmental issues, and I really liked the way he touches on ADHD and dyslexia, I think children experiencing either of these will relate to these characters,

I also felt that the myths fit into the story naturally and didn’t feel forced or too ‘educational’. I enjoyed the balance of traditional Greek tragedy and comedy, and Percy’s complete confusion at all times in the world that the other half bloods accept as normal (again reminds me of my favourite lil Harry, they’re very similar in the best way). Before reading I was worried that I wouldn’t enjoy the story, however, the humour and elements of pop culture (such as Grover playing Hilary Duff which is even now slightly outdated but funny) make these stories fun to read for children and adults. This joke gives a good example of the humour:

The surfer screamed something about bad mushrooms and paddled away from us as fast as he could.’

I complained that I didn’t like the cheesy representation of the Gods in Lovely War, however, I enjoyed their ‘human’ portrayals in this book because this was a funny light-hearted representation. I feel that Lovely War tried to portray cheesy characters within a serious book which didn’t work for me. Overall, I’d really recommend this book for people of all ages! 😊

Favourite/meaningful quote:

Once I got over the fact that my Latin teacher was a horse, we had a nice tour, though I was careful not to walk behind him. I’d done pooper-scooper patrol in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade a few times, and, I’m sorry, I did not trust Chiron’s back the way I trusted his front. ”

“Percy, meet Gladiola. Gladiola, Percy.”
I stared at Annabeth, figuring she’d crack up at this practical joke they were playing on me, but she looked deadly serious.
“I’m not saying hello to a pink poodle,” I said. “Forget it.”
“Percy,” Annabeth said. “I said hello to the poodle. You say hello to the poodle.” The poodle growled.
“I said hello to the poodle.”

Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters- Rick Riordan (physical book, new read)

‘You can’t tell by looking at me that my dad is Poseidon, God of the Sea.

It’s not easy being a half-blood these days. Even a simple game of dodgeball becomes a death match against an ugly gang of cannibal giants – and that was only the beginning. Now Camp Half-Blood is under attack, and unless I can get my hands on the Golden Fleece, the whole camp will be invaded by monsters. Big ones..’ (Sea of Monsters synopsis)

Again, this was a great book! I did start to think about Percy and Annabeth halfway through though. Initially I worried that they are cousins (because I’m sure something will end up happening between them) but after looking it up (I’m still bad at remembering lots about the titans haha) I learned that Athena is Poseidon’s niece therefore Percy and Annabeth are removed cousins or something? So I guess it’s fine but I wonder if they’ll address that at some point (unless they do just remain friends or one of them dies, it’s a miracle that I’ve lived my life having none of this spoiled haha). Anyway, I found the story is this book really interesting as they kind of replicated Odysseus’ journey in a way and I love parts of that story, particularly meeting Circe and the sirens. I’m honestly like a child reading these, I was so excited to figure out who Medusa, Chiron, Dionysus and Circe were before being told hahaha. I love that Percy is not the original Perseus and that the characters are able to use the myths and his namesake to inform their quests and get out of danger, I think it makes the story more interesting and gives Percy his own personality (kind of sounds like a pun). I also enjoyed learning more about Jason and the golden fleece because this is a myth I am less familiar with; I’d say I now have a good knowledge of the trojan war, Odysseys and Circe but my memory is still not great with a lot of the Gods and stories prior to the War, which is something I aim to change in the next year or so. I also liked the introduction of Tyson and discussions surrounding difference and discrimination.

I would say I liked the first book more in the sense that everything was new, and I liked being introduced to the half blood camp and reading about the Underworld, but I enjoyed elements of this story more. I will say though, I’ve mentioned before that I’m very lazy when it comes to action scenes in books and I really can’t be bothered with Luke haha. I like the mini plots and encounters with monsters, but I’d be happy if Luke would just disappear hahaha. I know this is just my own strange problem though, and a book series does need to have an overarching plot. I’ll definitely keep reading this series (I will have a break to read The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes whenever it comes).

Favourite/meaningful quote:

“You weren’t able to talk sense into him?”
Well, we kind of tried to kill each other in a duel to the death.”
I see. You tried the diplomatic approach.”

Mockingjay- Suzanne Collins (physical book, reread)

I’ve written a whole rambling blog post about this series, I love this book. 😊